Motherhood is something I have always been excited about. Having a fun, loving mother growing up always made me feel prepared to someday be a mother myself. When we first got pregnant we were obviously over the moon, a little shocked, but mostly it all felt unreal in the beginning. Then after a while I started to overthink things. I started to develop fears about losing myself and my business. Over the past year I have finally come to a place where I can tell people I REALLY am a photographer. It’s not just a little side gig anymore, it’s my business. Fears about losing momentum and giving up on my passions started to freak me out. All of the sudden I felt this tug between wanting to be a mother and wanting to continue to grow my business, but finding the balance in that was so unknown. Anxiety has always been a struggle for me, and it’s something that has definitely come out a lot more since working on my own business. I've always put a lot of pressure on myself in all areas of life. I used to get so nervous before every shoot that I would feel sick to my stomach. I get overwhelmed when the house is messy, or the laundry is piling up. When there are dishes in the sink, when there is unread mail in my inbox. Pretty much anything that would go on a to-do list can make me feel stressed out if there is disorder. So you can see how the thought of throwing a baby into the mix could just make me feel like I’ve lost control. Recently though I’ve been able to take the time to slow down and worry less. I’m not going to lie, I may have to attribute it to all of the podcasts I’ve been listening to. I’ve also had some great conversations with other moms who are business owners, and realizing how helpful your husband is doesn’t hurt either ;) It’s not like I’ve made a lot of changes, but I just stopped caring so much if my house isn’t perfect when people come over. I’ve stopped checking my email past a certain time most nights and I’ve pretty much forced myself to just stop over caring about unnecessary things. It’s so strange how all of the sudden growing this little human inside of me has become the single most important thing in my life. The miracle of life really puts things in perspective when you slow down and think about how incredible it is. Someday this little baby inside of me is going to be an adult in this crazy, fast paced world and the last thing I want for him/her is to feel overwhelmed and anxious. Quite the contrary, I want this baby to have the confidence to use its natural talents and gifts to explore the world and to give back in a way that only he/she can. So when I think about that being the single most important thing I start to feel at peace with everything and the uncertainty of the future. I know I am speaking from my zen place of 22 weeks pregnant and not with a fussy baby or a screaming toddler, and many of you moms are thinking "easier said than done", which I know! But that is why I am so excited to develop these blog posts. I hope that on those days that life sets in and crazy seems in control I am able to look back on this and be reminded of those few essential things that matter the most. There is a baby coming this Fall and although our life as a family is about to be dramatically changed, I couldn't be joyful about the lessons we are going to learn and the way that our hearts will be changed.
Thanks for humoring my rambling if you actually made it this far ;)